If I just lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

Karl Paulnack on Why Music Matters

2012-01-27T17:27:00.001-08:00

One of my parents' deepest fears, I suspect, is that society would not properly value me as a musician, that I wouldn't be appreciated. I had very good grades in high school, I was good in science and math, and they imagined that as a doctor or a research chemist or an engineer, I might be more appreciated than I would be as a musician. I still remember my mother's remark when I announced my decision to apply to music school—she said, "you're wasting your SAT scores!" On some level, I think, my parents were not sure themselves what the value of music was, what its purpose was. And they loved music: they listened to classical music all the time. They just weren't really clear about its function. So let me talk about that a little bit, because we live in a society that puts music in the "arts and entertainment" section of the newspaper, and serious music, the kind your kids are about to engage in, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with entertainment, in fact it's the opposite of entertainment. Let me talk a little bit about music, and how it works.

One of the first cultures to articulate how music really works were the ancient Greeks. And this is going to fascinate you: the Greeks said that music and astronomy were two sides of the same coin. Astronomy was seen as the study of relationships between observable, permanent, external objects, and music was seen as the study of relationships between invisible, internal, hidden objects. Music has a way of finding the big, invisible moving pieces inside our hearts and souls and helping us figure out the position of things inside us. Let me give you some examples of how this works.

One of the most profound musical compositions of all time is the Quartet for the End of Time written by French composer Olivier Messiaen in 1940. Messiaen was 31 years old when France entered the war against Nazi Germany. He was captured by the Germans in June of 1940 and imprisoned in a prisoner-of-war camp.

He was fortunate to find a sympathetic prison guard who gave him paper and a place to compose, and fortunate to have musician colleagues in the camp, a cellist, a violinist, and a clarinetist. Messiaen wrote his quartet with these specific players in mind. It was performed in January 1941 for four thousand prisoners and guards in the prison camp. Today it is one of the most famous masterworks in the repertoire.

Given what we have since learned about life in the Nazi camps, why would anyone in his right mind waste time and energy writing or playing music? There was barely enough energy on a good day to find food and water, to avoid a beating, to stay warm, to escape torture—why would anyone bother with music? And yet—even from the concentration camps, we have poetry, we have music, we have visual art; it wasn't just this one fanatic Messiaen; many, many people created art. Why? Well, in a place where people are only focused on survival, on the bare necessities, the obvious conclusion is that art must be, somehow, essential for life. The camps were without money, without hope, without commerce, without recreation, without basic respect, but they were not without art. Art is part of survival; art is part of the human spirit, an unquenchable expression of who we are. Art is one of the ways in which we say, "I am alive, and my life has meaning."

In September of 2001 I was a resident of Manhattan. On the morning of September 12, 2001 I reached a new understanding of my art and its relationship to the world. I sat down at the piano that morning at 10 AM to practice as was my daily routine; I did it by force of habit, without thinking about it. I lifted the cover on the keyboard, and opened my music, and put my hands on the keys and took my hands off the keys. And I sat there and thought, does this even matter? Isn't this completely irrelevant? Playing the piano right now, given what happened in this city yesterday, seems silly, absurd, irreverent, pointless. Why am I here? What place has a musician in this moment in time? Who needs a piano player right now? I was completely lost.

And then I, along with the rest of New York, went through the journey of getting through that week. I did not play the piano that day, and in fact I contemplated briefly whether I would ever want to play the piano again. And then I observed how we got through the day.

At least in my neighborhood, we didn't shoot hoops or play Scrabble. We didn't play cards to pass the time, we didn't watch TV, we didn't shop, we most certainly did not go to the mall. The first organized activity that I saw in New York, on the very evening of September 11th, was singing. People sang. People sang around fire houses, people sang "We Shall Overcome". Lots of people sang America the Beautiful. The first organized public event that I remember was the Brahms Requiem, later that week, at Lincoln Center, with the New York Philharmonic. The first organized public expression of grief, our first communal response to that historic event, was a concert. That was the beginning of a sense that life might go on. The US Military secured the airspace, but recovery was led by the arts, and by music in particular, that very night.

From these two experiences, I have come to understand that music is not part of "arts and entertainment" as the newspaper section would have us believe. It's not a luxury, a lavish thing that we fund from leftovers of our budgets, not a plaything or an amusement or a pass time. Music is a basic need of human survival. Music is one of the ways we make sense of our lives, one of the ways in which we express feelings when we have no words, a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can't with our minds.

Some of you may know Samuel Barber's heart wrenchingly beautiful piece Adagio for Strings. If you don't know it by that name, then some of you may know it as the background music which accompanied the Oliver Stone movie Platoon, a film about the Vietnam War. If you know that piece of music either way, you know it has the ability to crack your heart open like a walnut; it can make you cry over sadness you didn't know you had. Music can slip beneath our conscious reality to get at what's really going on inside us the way a good therapist does.

Very few of you have ever been to a wedding where there was absolutely no music. There might have been only a little music, there might have been some really bad music, but with few exceptions there is some music. And something very predictable happens at weddings—people get all pent up with all kinds of emotions, and then there's some musical moment where the action of the wedding stops and someone sings or plays the flute or something. And even if the music is lame, even if the quality isn't good, predictably 30 or 40 percent of the people who are going to cry at a wedding cry a couple of moments after the music starts. Why? The Greeks. Music allows us to move around those big invisible pieces of ourselves and rearrange our insides so that we can express what we feel even when we can't talk about it. Can you imagine watching Indiana Jones or Superman or Star Wars with the dialogue but no music? What is it about the music swelling up at just the right moment in ET so that all the softies in the audience start crying at exactly the same moment? I guarantee you if you showed the movie with the music stripped out, it wouldn't happen that way. The Greeks. Music is the understanding of the relationship between invisible internal objects.

I'll give you one more example, the story of the most important concert of my life. I must tell you I have played a little less than a thousand concerts in my life so far. I have played in places that I thought were important. I like playing in Carnegie Hall; I enjoyed playing in Paris; it made me very happy to please the critics in St. Petersburg. I have played for people I thought were important; music critics of major newspapers, foreign heads of state. The most important concert of my entire life took place in a nursing home in a small Midwestern town a few years ago.

I was playing with a very dear friend of mine who is a violinist. We began, as we often do, with Aaron Copland's Sonata, which was written during World War II and dedicated to a young friend of Copland's, a young pilot who was shot down during the war. Now we often talk to our audiences about the pieces we are going to play rather than providing them with written program notes. But in this case, because we began the concert with this piece, we decided to talk about the piece later in the program and to just come out and play the music without explanation.

Midway through the piece, an elderly man seated in a wheelchair near the front of the concert hall began to weep. This man, whom I later met, was clearly a soldier—even in his 70's, it was clear from his buzz-cut hair, square jaw and general demeanor that he had spent a good deal of his life in the military. I thought it a little bit odd that someone would be moved to tears by that particular movement of that particular piece, but it wasn't the first time I've heard crying in a concert and we went on with the concert and finished the piece.

When we came out to play the next piece on the program, we decided to talk about both the first and second pieces, and we described the circumstances in which the Copland was written and mentioned its dedication to a downed pilot. The man in the front of the audience became so disturbed that he had to leave the auditorium. I honestly figured that we would not see him again, but he did come backstage afterwards, tears and all, to explain himself.

What he told us was this: "During World War II, I was a pilot, and I was in an aerial combat situation where one of my team's planes was hit. I watched my friend bail out, and watched his parachute open, but the Japanese planes which had engaged us returned and machine gunned across the parachute cords so as to separate the parachute from the pilot, and I watched my friend drop away into the ocean, realizing that he was lost. I have not thought about this for many years, but during that first piece of music you played, this memory returned to me so vividly that it was as though I was reliving it. I didn't understand why this was happening, why now, but then when you came out to explain that this piece of music was written to commemorate a lost pilot, it was a little more than I could handle. How does the music do that? How did it find those feelings and those memories in me?"

Remember the Greeks: music is the study of invisible relationships between internal objects. The concert in the nursing home was the most important work I have ever done. For me to play for this old soldier and help him connect, somehow, with Aaron Copland, and to connect their memories of their lost friends, to help him remember and mourn his friend, this is my work. This is why music matters.

What follows is part of the talk I will give to this year's freshman class when I welcome them a few days from now. The responsibility I will charge your sons and daughters with is this:

"If we were a medical school, and you were here as a med student practicing appendectomies, you'd take your work very seriously because you would imagine that some night at two AM someone is going to waltz into your emergency room and you're going to have to save their life. Well, my friends, someday at 8 PM someone is going to walk into your concert hall and bring you a mind that is confused, a heart that is overwhelmed, a soul that is weary. Whether they go out whole again will depend partly on how well you do your craft.

You're not here to become an entertainer, and you don't have to sell yourself. The truth is you don't have anything to sell; being a musician isn't about dispensing a product, like selling used cars. I'm not an entertainer; I'm a lot closer to a paramedic, a firefighter, a rescue worker. You're here to become a sort of therapist for the human soul, a spiritual version of a chiropractor, physical therapist, someone who works with our insides to see if they get things to line up, to see if we can come into harmony with ourselves and be healthy and happy and well.

Frankly, ladies and gentlemen, I expect you not only to master music; I expect you to save the planet. If there is a future wave of wellness on this planet, of harmony, of peace, of an end to war, of mutual understanding, of equality, of fairness, I don't expect it will come from a government, a military force or a corporation. I no longer even expect it to come from the religions of the world, which together seem to have brought us as much war as they have peace. If there is a future of peace for humankind, if there is to be an understanding of how these invisible, internal things should fit together, I expect it will come from the artists, because that's what we do. As in the concentration camp and the evening of 9/11, the artists are the ones who might be able to help us with our internal, invisible lives."

-from the 2004 Boston Conservatory Welcome Address

德國為什麼立法禁止學前教育？

2012-01-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

在德國弗賴堡大學做學術訪問期間，住在湖邊的一套公寓裏。離公寓不遠，有一個小沙坪，裏面有一些兒童玩耍的設施。每次經過這個地方，總會看到三四個小孩在沙坪裏面玩耍。旁邊站著一位女士，目不轉睛地盯著這些孩子，即使孩子滿臉的泥沙，衣服上到處是沙子，但她並不幹涉。一起散步的另一位中國同事不由自主地感歎：“老楊，你看這些孩子臉上好陽光，這在國內孩子的臉上幾乎很難見到”。對此我也深有同感。我女兒在一所北京最好的小學之一上學，盡管才8歲，但說話和臉上的表情已經和成人已經沒有多大差別。盡管孩子的媽媽感到很滿意，但我卻有些難過。

　　湖四周是寬闊的大草坪，不過還有些樹木可以遮蔭。在陽光明媚的日子裏，草坪上有人在打排球、網球、羽毛球，也有人在踢足球。有的人則在草地上鋪上布，三三兩兩圍坐在一起，不知道是有一搭無一搭的聊天還是只想曬曬太陽，有的則在燒烤。我習慣坐在咖啡館的涼棚下觀察草坪上的人，其中一幕至今難以忘懷：在離我不遠處有一家子在踢足球：丈夫、妻子、大男孩和小男孩（大約四五歲的樣子）。這四個人分成兩組：一組是丈夫和小男孩，另外一組是妻子和大男孩。雖然被分為兩對，實際上是丈夫和兩個男孩在玩，妻子只是在一邊有一搭無一搭地踢上一腳，並不上去爭搶，但眼睛從來沒有離開丈夫和兩個孩子。父親把球傳遞給小兒子，大兒子上前去搶球。父親擔心踢傷大兒子，所以動作很輕，有時故意出現失誤，讓大兒子把球搶到。小兒子比較勇猛，但球技不精，見哥哥跑來，遠遠就把球傳給父親。給我印象最深的是孩子玩耍的勁頭十足，臉上的表情可以用陽光燦爛一詞來形容。

　　出於好奇心我走過去和這一家子聊天。男士告訴我，兩個孩子都在上幼兒園，周末帶他們出來玩。我問：“你們不利於周末時間帶孩子參加各種學習班？”這位男士用不解的表情看著我：“參加什麼學習班？”我說：“比如跳舞、體操、繪畫、鋼琴、外語、奧數之類的，我女兒在幼兒園期間，除了奧數，幾乎把所有的課程都學了”。男士回答：“我們這裏，學前教育是被禁止的，孩子在幼兒園期間不允許教授專業知識，社會上也沒有類似的培訓班”。

　　原以為只有幼兒園的孩子不允許學習專業知識，後來才發現上小學的孩子也不能學習額外的課程，即使這個孩子的智商超過同齡人。來自科隆的桑德拉寫到：“今年我兒子7歲，我向學校老師提出，能否額外教他一些東西，因為他5-6歲的時候就自己在家學會了基本的閱讀、書寫和簡單的數學計算。老師表示反對並說：‘您應該讓您的孩子與其他孩子保持同步’。一個星期後我再次去見老師，並出示了孩子高智商的證書，希望得到她的理解和支持，但老師用一種奇怪的眼光看重我，似乎我像來自外星的人一樣”。老師進而解釋，孩子智力被過度開發並不是一件好事情，因為必須給孩子的大腦留下想象空間。過多的知識會使孩子的大腦變成了計算機的硬盤，常此下去，孩子的大腦就慢慢地變成了儲存器，不會主動思考了。

　　盡管如此，我對德國禁止學前教育的做法還是不太理解。為了搞清楚這個問題，我專門請教了德國的教育人士，他們讓我找《基本法》來看看。翻開聯邦德國《基本法》（即憲法）。讓我大吃一驚。其中第七條第六款明確規定，禁止設立先修學校(Vorschule)。我還是不明白德國憲法為何這樣規定，只好再請教有關的教育專家。他們告訴我，孩子在小學前的“唯一的任務”就是快樂成長。因為孩子的天性是玩耍，所以要做符合孩子天性的事情，而不應該違背孩子的成長規律。如果說在上學前對孩子非要進行“教育”的話，那“教育”的重點只有三個方面：一、基本的社會常識，比如不允許暴力、不大聲說話等。二、孩子的動手能力。在幼兒園期間孩子會根據自己的興趣參與手工製作，讓他們從小就主動做具體的事情。三、培養孩子的情商，特別是領導力。

　　原以為只有德國才有如此奇怪的規定。後來查了一下歐洲有關國家的情況才發現他們對待小孩子的做法基本上大同小異。例如匈牙利立法規定：嚴格禁止教授幼兒園期間的孩子學習寫作、閱讀、計算等。幼兒園的教育是免費的。（Ungarn： Es ist strengstens verboten in diesem Jahr den Kindern Schreiben, Lesen, Rechnen, usw. beizubringen. Die pädagogische Arbeit der Kindergärten ist kostenlos）。

　　與歐洲相反，中國的孩子在幼兒園期間已經把小學一年級的知識基本上都學完了。人們有理由擔心，歐洲的孩子在起跑線上已經輸給了中國的孩子。其實，這樣的擔心是多餘的。歐洲人普遍認為，孩子有自身的成長規律，他們在相應的階段要做相應的事情。表面上看中國的學前教育和基礎教育很紮實，但他們的想象力和思考能力已經被破壞掉，由此造成了孩子被動接受知識而疏於主動思考的習慣。

　　暫且拋開中西教育優劣的爭議和評判，讓我們來關注德國教育的成果：自諾貝爾獎設立以來，德國人（含移民美國、加拿大等國的德裔）獲得的諾貝爾獎人數將近總數的一半。換句話說，8200萬的德國人分享了一半的諾貝爾獎，而全球另外60多億人口只獲得了剩下的一半。難道這是種族的問題？恐怕沒有這麼簡單。讓我們重新審視德國的教育，看看他們的做法是否值得我們借鑒。同時也希望中國的教育工作者別沾沾自喜，因為今天所做的事情，其實是毀了中國的一代又一代。（楊佩昌）

The Case for Active Practicing, by Henry Myers

2012-01-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

I started to have a completely different approach in my practice and playing in general since my recital last year. My dissatisfaction with the recital plus the way my teacher has been pushing me, had made me realize I should start a new way of practicing. It worked and still works. Everything is different now. I knew what was different but couldn't put it into words. This article is basically speaking my mind for me. It is interesting to see someone else discovering this and analyzed the whole process.

---

Practicing: the word itself inspires pain, suffering, depression, boredom, angst, and turmoil; it evokes images of stern-looking students, arduously drilling a passage until they either squeeze out five consecutive successes or quit in frustration. The sheer effort that it requires seems monstrous and intimidating; the payoff, relatively small.

Predictably, it’s an activity that relatively few people enjoy.

I myself have struggled with it for most of my life. Having professional musicians for parents and an aspiring cellist for a brother, playing the cello always felt more obligatory than elective, and thus I learned to resent practicing and avoided it at all costs; subsequently, my inability to play well induced much pain during my lessons, where I was often brought to tears by my teacher (no hard feelings!)

Eventually I realized that I did, in fact, want to play the cello, and starting about 9th grade I became a practicing fiend; in the following years I would only log more and more hours. Yet I felt like the archetypal student musician (as the image so succinctly and somewhat humorously depicts). While I did improve over my high school years, I often felt that the countless hours I put in weren’t quite paying off. I tormented myself with thoughts of being inadequate, untalented, unintelligent.

Why was I so incapable of efficiency?

Truth be told, I was inefficient because in my practicing I placed repetition over thought. Compared to the sheer amount of hours I practiced, the level of brainpower that I exerted was rather underwhelming. I didn’t really have a coherent method: I just practiced somewhat aimlessly until I either hit some preplanned number of hours or drowned in frustration.

Once, during a moment of exasperation as I neared a deadline, I was told not to worry; that even if my progress seemed stagnant, if I continued to work I would eventually have an epiphanic moment where everything would come together. Instead of feeling soothed, though, I felt angry. Why can’t progress happen incrementally? Why does practicing necessarily have to be so passive? Ironically, I found the answer by examining that question.

See, the term “practicing” is deceptive. It should instead be thought of as “learning”.

This may seem like a tautology, but it really isn’t. The term “practicing” suggests repetition, while “learning” suggests the acquisition of knowledge, which is what I believe the colloquial “practicing” should be. Furthermore, “practicing” is passive; learning is active. To define the italicized terms, let us consider the mind.

Image of "Thinking out of the Box"For practical purposes, imagine that your mind is neatly divided into conscious and subconscious halves. The conscious is active; it’s basically what most people would identify as the “thinking” part, in which thoughts occur and observations are made; we control this part directly. The subconscious, is passive; it functions behind the scenes and is responsible for taking the observations made in the conscious mind and memorizing, interconnecting, and abstracting. It is also responsible for what we call “intuition”, which could be understood as unconscious reasoning. The subconscious is basically out of our control.

When we practice, we too often leave the process of abstraction entirely to our subconscious. If we keep missing a shift, for example, and try to remedy it by sheer repetition, we have to wait until our unconscious mind develops a solution based on repetitive data. However, if we instead stop to examine the problem consciously, we provide our subconscious with a variety of more helpful information that it can much more quickly extrapolate into something useful.

To be clear, I don’t advocate trying to replace your subconscious functions with your conscious functions. First, it’s impossible, and second, you WANT your subconscious to work for you! It’s incredibly powerful and capable of doing amazing things. What you don’t want is to rely entirely on it. Instead, use your conscious to guide your subconscious. The conscious part of the mind needs to play a more active role in learning.

Let’s return to the shifting example. Rather than merely attempting the shift several thousand times, ask yourself what you can learn about it. For example:

What do the positions that I’m shifting between feel like? What fingers are on what notes? How does the hand balance on the instrument?
How can I go between the two positions fluidly? How do I feel and understand the transition?
How can I work vibrato into my shift? How can I coordinate it into the shift?

Answering these questions involves experimenting physically, so while it’s possible to abstract something verbally about what you discover, the answer itself may be non-communicable. Eventually, this process can be automated, where solutions and ideas just occur naturally. Once you have answered these questions, i.e figured out how to improve the shift, then it’s time for repetition. Repetition is used to convince yourself that what you’re doing is correct, and to establish everything as part of a sequence of motions. In that way, repetition allows you to merge a process into a single thought.

After you finish practicing that shift, set it aside until the next time you practice. If you come back to it in an hour, you might find that you can’t exercise the ability that you worked on, that you can’t activate the mental pathways you thought were created. This doesn’t mean that your practice was lost: in fact, it probably means that your subconscious is processing it. So put it away, sleep, and give your mind time to work. When you start practicing in the morning, you might find that you know the shift better than you did before. Congratulations! Your practice was effective. It wasn’t boring at all; it was just like solving a puzzle. It was even fun. Now it’s time to start practicing again, but fortunately you’ve gained ground since yesterday and have new puzzles to solve.

It has always been the case that much of the process of learning is subconscious. However, we tend to struggle with practicing because they simply go through the motions and rely almost entirely on whatever the subconscious does to learn. What we need to be doing instead is actively using our conscious to investigate, analyze, and solve problems. Practicing shouldn’t be a mindless, repetitive exercise; it should instead be both mindful and informative. If I could leave you with a single thought, remember that practicing is learning: learning to practice is only a specialized version of learning to learn, and learning starts with thought. Remember, activity is key. Now get off your butt and go practice.

Or rather, get off your butt and go learn.

2011-11-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

Though I get annoyed by mom sometimes, I have to acknowledge the fact that she is an amazing mother. She tries hard to understand me, even though it is sometimes hard to. She listens, and changes for me. I can't ask for a better parent. I am so grateful for that. And I know that, I will work hard and make her proud and feel the same happiness towards having me as her daughter one day.

2011-11-08T11:55:00.001-08:00

Nobody tells this to people who are beginners. I wish someone had told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is a gap. For the first couple of years, you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase; they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative, work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know that it’s normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week, you finish one piece. It’s only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You just gotta fight your way though.

I just want to be honest to myself.

2011-10-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

It has been more than a year since the last time I wrote on this blog.
I guess this is the only place I could really express myself without sounding like I am complaining to you or putting pressure on you.
Some people say, in a relationship, there is always one person who loves the other person more. Does that apply to our relationship as well? I guess love can't be calculated.
Sometimes I get scared, if we could wait till I get there. Though things have been cleared up between us, I sometimes can't help but thinking if there is something that's hidden underneath all these. I definitely could, no matter how long. Once I am committed to one thing, I stick to it. The question is, can you? I fear to ask. I am living every day thinking that you might tell me you can't do this anymore any minute. I feel relieved every single time you say I love you, I'd be happy you haven't stopped loving me. Every time you sent me a message saying you love me, I'd stare at those three words for hours, as if that's the last I love you message from you. I don't even know why I am doing this, and where exactly this feeling is coming from. There is always a reason for having this feeling. Maybe because we almost don't email each other, as opposed to writing each other all the time last year, it sometimes feels like you don't care about me/forget about me, though I know that's not true. When I look at our pictures, or your facebook profile, I feel like we are separated. Such a horrible feeling, isn't it?
Since we got back together, we have been so stable. I was so sure that we will be together that I never thought of any possibility that we would be living two separate lives, or any of us would give up the relationship. I just knew we would be together. But now, for some reason, I keep feeling like you are going to leave anytime. I don't want to feel like this but I can't help it. I love you so much. I never want to lose you. I really would do whatever it takes, to be with you. What should I do now?

2010-07-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

你真的知道我有多愛你嘛
我願意等你甚麼都願意為你
但我開始覺得自己快要被這折磨到要瘋了
我心很痛，你感覺得到嘛

如果我們從來沒有開始過，會痛小一點嘛

我有很多想說，卻不知道怎說。我只是真的很愛很愛你。我又到了這個愛到失去自己的地步。

想你

2009-09-30T18:35:00.000-07:00

今天你在Berlin，很小找我。
你說你跟朋友吃飯，我竟然開始擔心，那個朋友是否你的前度。
幾天沒說話，怎麼連對你的信心都沒有了？

記得你跟我說過，如果有一天你遇上另一個你喜歡的人，你會放手讓那人走，無論如何都不會因外在原因而離開我。
我那時候覺得這並不合理，我說如果你遇上另一個你喜歡的人，應該放手的是我，我告訴你我不會恨你一輩子我會明白。你再說不是因為責任，而是你知道你是真的愛我，而喜歡的感覺，是一剎那的感覺，可以對很多人都有，很容易產生。但愛不同，愛的感覺不只是那一剎那發生，而且只可以對一個人有，沒可能很隨便愛一個人。所以為了這愛，你會放棄有感覺的。你還說這在你上一次的關係裡發生過，你差點出軌，可是最後你讓那人走，而你很慶幸自己那樣做。
我聽完一點都不理解你的想法，只是覺得很心痛，因為我真的很不願意有這一天，不能想像你喜歡了別人我會怎樣。

我一直認為感情淡了便應該分手，或者遇上另一個喜歡的便應該分手，然後開始一段新的關係。原來我錯了，無意中讀了兩篇文章，自己再想了十遍，大慨明白你那番話的原因。愛不只是感覺，而是生活。愛你，決定想跟你一起分享將來，便要犧牲產生了感覺的別人，因為自己知道愛的是你。

「距離是真愛的考驗,由時間作為答案
為了你深愛的人,請做出點犧牲,守住你們的愛情
否則怎麼能談得上真正的愛情
你可以忘記以前的誓言,但要記住自己的真心。
捫心自問,你是否愛的那麼深？
你願意讓兩個人都受傷嗎？

愛，絕不是缺了就找,更不是累了就換
生活不是一個人好好的活是兩個人如何一起好好過
但是一些客觀的原因，現實中你們目前還不能在一起
難道你就這樣輕易放棄，而委曲求全了嗎？
難道你就不能為愛守侯嗎？
你允許自己的目光如此短淺，而只看見眼前的快樂嗎？
一生就這樣的走完嗎？是真愛，就永不言棄」

如果你看得懂中文就好，真的很想給你看以上這一段。
異地戀真的很難，完全不知道我們的將來會是甚麼樣子。但我真的很希望自己能夠堅強，勇敢的去守住我們的愛情，等待我們可以在一起的一天。

希望你明天演出成功，我一向都以你為榮的！
Miluji Tě

邊緣人

2009-04-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

一天未能擺脫過去，都不能跟你再說話，
either hate or love，我選擇憎恨你。
這是非常幼稚的行為，但站在這邊緣實在很危險，
我只是想遠離這種複雜的關係。

請不要再嘗試找我，我是不會回應你的。
只要你不再出現，我便會過得很好。

面對現實？

2009-04-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

事情已發生了，
再也不能改變的事實；
要避，也避不了。

為何這樣沒用，
一直擺脫不了過去，
我不想永遠背著這包袱。

是因為太美好嗎？為何一直接受不了現在的生活？

每個人都有自己認為最美好的不同階段，
我想我的，就是在那個時候吧，所以才這麼難放下。

忘憂藥

2009-04-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

想試試
讓我完全忘記你

你也應該吃一顆
大家再也不記得大家
互不相干
永遠不再在對方生活裡出現

......

真的, 真的不要再找我, 不要再記得我了, 可以嗎?

熱維他奶

2009-01-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

好冷
好懷念一瓶瓶的熱維他奶,
拿在手心, 暖在心頭。

西蘭花炒雞肉

2009-01-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

皆因從未炒過一次成功的西蘭花, 所以在明天的飯局之前我決定試菜, 為免吃壞人和影響聲譽XD。
結果, 還滿好吃的呢!媽媽的食譜真是了不起!雖然我還未到她那種程度, 可是...也有幾分相似吧 =D
這個是用SX110來照的, macro function好像真的不錯!如果有不好的話就是我照得不好看=.= 相機本身應該真的不錯!=)

圍牆

2009-01-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

不知不覺又過了幾天　我想我習慣了忽略
不近不遠走在誰身邊　我想我適應了一切
這一切沒妳的世界
某條路某條街　某首歌某間店　某種熟悉但如今卻刺眼
不碰觸不跨越　為自己留一些　安全界線

是習慣,是太多其他事發生要擔心,還是真的放下,我還未知道,
只是知道,每次在這種受打擊的情況下,總會有個人出現。

要說習慣沒有她的世界,倒不如說習慣了多了你在左右。
每天的叮囑,
對我來說,其實很窩心。
或許,這就是我需要的安全感吧?

新生活就是要這樣開始嗎?
可是,感覺上好像還未準備好。

嗯,順其自然吧。

說好的幸福呢

2009-01-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

你告訴我, 你跟他的關係不太好, 可能是感覺淡了。

你又說, 有個同事對你很好, 你對他有一點好感。

聽著聽著, 其實由始至終, 只有我一個人徘迴在過去, 你一點都不在乎了, 對吧?

只有我在一廂情願, 你根本想都沒有想過, 不會像我一樣, 整天想著我們, 這樣笨。

我知道的。

我忍不住告訴你, 我又造了那個夢, 可是, 我沒有說內容。

起床時, 發覺自己又哭了......在夢裡, 我跟你好快樂, 好幸福, 牽著抱著開著玩笑, 跟以前一樣......

我曾經以為, 將來我們是有可能的

我曾經以為, 你其實和我一樣一直在等那個機會

我曾經以為, 無論甚麼時候, 你都會像我一樣, 仍然愛著對方

我曾經以為, 你會等

我曾經以為, 你永遠最愛的只有我

我曾經以為......

我好想你, 我好喜歡你, 我好想跟你在一起......可是你已經走得很遠很遠, 跟著所有人前進, 只有我一個人墮後.......

黃倩怡...我看, 我是上輩子欠了你吧, 現在要雙倍奉還, 是這樣嗎? 那甚麼時候還完?

生日快樂

2008-12-26T00:32:00.000-08:00

今天是你的生日, 生日快樂。

祝你幸福快樂。

三年前的今天, 我們一起過的生日, 我給你的禮物 - converse, 自己弄的lego和puzzle..你還記得嗎?你會想起嗎?

多麼希望每一年都可以跟你一起過所有生日, 聖誕, 新年, 情人節等等。還有機會嗎?不可能吧......

雖然這個星期過得非常充實, 天天出外玩, 但我感到極奇寂寞和空虛。我常常想, 這個聖誕你應該過得很幸福很快樂吧?然後你跟他在一起慶祝的畫面逞現在我腦海裡......真的很難受, 只想這個聖誕可以快點過, 快點回校, 開始我忙碌的生活, 不再有寂寞和空虛的機會。

這兩天, 不斷和狗狗玩, 去放狗...原來我對有些狗是完全不敏感的。我知道時覺得很開心, 因為你說過你喜歡狗, 說以後一定要養狗......想著想著, 我真想殺掉自己, 我跟你已經沒關係了, 你養不養狗, 我敏不敏感, 又有甚麼關係?

雖然是決定了順其自然, 但這其實令我更不知要怎面對你。

身邊朋友一個又一個的放下過去, 展開新的生活, 現在就只剩下我一個, 還徘迴在過去。

有一刻真的想　不管一切去找你
卻又明白　再不應出錯
你這一刻定是歡欣興奮開心不過
共聚又是如何

執著

2008-12-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

越來越發現自己是很典型的獅子座, 頑固、傲慢、自尊心強、要面子...唯獨不對的是, 我並不是很有自信。

前幾天, 我竟然翻起舊帳來數你, 最後又跟你吵架收場。我真的很生氣, 氣得一整晚睡不著。朋友認為我一直放不下這段感情, 是因為我執著的性格, 我不甘心還是不甘心, 吃不到的葡萄是酸的, 總是站在同一棵葡萄樹下看著我拿不到的葡萄, 死都不肯去接受另一棵葡萄樹...現在在你面前我會裝成很幸福, 完全不再在乎你的樣子, 除了想讓這些快點結束, 我承認是因為面子與自尊心問題, 大概我真的很不想讓你知道我"死纏爛打"的喜歡你, 仍然放不下你。

我真的越來越搞不懂自己, 我不知自己想怎樣, 永遠不能預料和控制自己的言行舉止。總言之, 對著你, 我便會失控。

吵架的那一晚, 我真的夢見我們了...很神奇, 日有所思夜有所夢是真的。我看到的, 是很開心很幸福的自己。現在的我, 很難再想像這種感覺, 但我興幸自己曾經有過這種感覺。

朋友也說終有一天我會發現自己的執著, 發現自己並沒有想像中那麼愛你...嗯, 我在等這一天的來臨, 也許再三年, 也許再五年...

原來我不喜歡放假, 閒著沒事做, 腦裡想到的就只有你, 寂寞感空虛感全都回來。我的生活沒有你就要這樣枯燥乏味嗎?

你知道嗎, 我真的累了。好累好累

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to life than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again And never let this promise end

明目張膽

2008-12-04T15:31:00.000-08:00

我的愛　只願縮到最小　彷彿不存在
就算　我最愛你　情願好好遮蓋　化作了密碼　不公開
暗裡進行更自在　不相戀　誰會受害　但願盡情地種　誰說花　需要開
拆穿了　總盼望誰在意　蜜月難再
無謂去博你憐愛　明白叫你太煩的　不是愛

信任?

2008-11-29T20:52:00.000-08:00

所以我一早說過

沒有一個人是可靠的

如果真的完全信任一個人

到最後, 受傷的一定是自己

別人說的話

還是不要太當真

尤其是你的說話

說一套做一套

每次都當你隨便說說好了

那就可避免失望

也許我在你心目中並不是甚麼好朋友吧?

='[

2008-11-26T20:14:00.000-08:00

沒心機好失落

為何?

你向來甚麼都講,但對自己的感情生活卻隻字不提, 跟誰都會說起, 我就是從沒聽你提過。

告訴我原因吧! 是你不敢吧。

愛你很累, 你知道嗎

像我這種人終於也
變了受害人

沉殿過後悲傷始終化不掉
難忘是你當天心跳我已累了

謊言

2008-11-22T23:39:00.001-08:00

說了一個謊, 就要用另一個謊來圓這一個謊。

我說了謊, 又說了謊。原因? 大慨是讓你不要這麼接近我, 也可能是自尊心作崇......

我們又這樣打打鬧鬧的, 生氣, 不說話, 然後總有一方道歉, 哄回另一方。我們的相處方式就是這樣, 總要為了一些無聊事吵。但是就是這樣才讓我的生活變得有生氣, 活潑起來, 好像不再那麼漫無目的。

我, 真的很犯賤。你不屬於我, 我卻覺得自己的心因為你而安定下來。我在想甚麼?

第一天

2008-11-21T23:02:00.000-08:00

跟你再說話的第一天, 你已經違規了。

我說過, 跟我說話, 一定要保持比普通朋友更普通的態度去對待我。但似乎你忘了, 或者你故意。

當看到你說想我, 我的心不期然的痛了一下, 我也不明為甚麼。

我沒有回應, 可是心裡很想很想告訴你, 我真的很掛念你, 一直都在想你, 我想告訴你, 你對我來說仍然重要。

我可以沒有你, 可是有你的世界才是彩色的。

自從你離開我的生活後, 我過得比較舒服, 比較少失落, 比較平靜, 笑得比較多。可是, 今天跟你再次說話, 我竟感覺到自己尋回失去的東西。

分手時你曾經說你沒有我會不行, 你求我讓你改...那時我說時間可以沖淡一切, 很快你便會沒事。

到現在, 我仍然深信時間可以沖淡一切的, 可是, 這三年時間似乎沒有沖淡我對你的感覺, 反而好像增加了。

我常常都在想, 將來, 我還會遇到很多人, 但我知道我這一輩子都不會忘記我跟你之間發生的一點一滴, 不會忘記那種強烈的感覺, 不會忘記那種淡淡的幸福, 更不會忘記我對你的遺憾。

請客。

2008-11-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

以前, 我很喜歡請客, 因為我喜歡看到朋友們開心的樣子。有時候請客請太多連媽媽都開始批評我浪費, 可是我喜歡。我不懂表達自己, 所以我會用請客來告訴朋友:"謝謝你的陪伴"。可是, 來了美國讀書後, 便開始沒再請客, 暑假回港時跟朋友吃飯不是別人請客便是AA制, 頓覺跟他們距離都疏遠了, 心裡有一點難受。在現在的經濟環境下, 我沒有能力常請客, 連幾塊錢都得省下來。我發現自己便更不懂表達對別人的欣慰與感激, 不知道應該做些甚麼才能讓對方知道我重視和關心他。甚至在別人幫了我之後, 他們自己遇到困難時, 我只懂坐在那邊, 啞口無言, 不知道該怎做。有時候還會覺得自己很丟臉, 因為我對朋友一點貢獻都沒有, 從來只有別人幫我, 我卻甚麼都幫不上忙。有時想說出來, 可是把這些都掛在嘴邊的話我怕會變成假或者是客套說話, 所以每次我都只會不斷的說謝謝, 可是每一個謝謝的背後都會覺得很丟臉。知道別人是好意, 可是我覺得自己沒用, 覺得自己自私, 因為我沒有付出過甚麼。

說真的, 我真的很遜, 我從心底裡的鄙視自己。從小到大我都知道自己天資並不聰敏, 腦筋並不靈活, 這幾年來都是用一個東西來在別人的心中留下一個好的印象, 就是自己的性格。可是, 我的性格變了, 這唯一一個優點都沒有, 我便是一個真正沒用的人。

媽媽說得對, 我是一個沒心肝的人。

P.S. 我想家了

coward

2008-11-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

我真的無藥可救

這個cycle又再次回到原點。我是白痴嗎?看著陷阱自己踏進去,真是笨得可以!

我猶疑了良久,最後還是答應加回你。這個動作是我人生裡做過最笨的決定。

我真的想你不要再理會我, 不要再問候我, 我希望你對我狠, 以後不理不睬的對我。可是你沒有, 你每一次的溫柔關心問候真的要殺死我, 令我一次又一次的掉進你的陷阱。你大慨從沒想過會有一個人被你控制著他的人生, 他的喜怒哀樂吧。一直在我們的過去裡走不出來......

我有想過, 我一直放不下的原因。可能是因為我知道你跟我有同樣感覺, 所以我覺得不甘心。又因為你說過以後的事沒有人知道而令我一直等。

好討厭, 因為你, 我失去了自我, 我變得很懦弱, 沒有了自己的想法。

對我來說, 這真是一種折磨, 我一直自找麻煩, 令情況更糟。

我只敢跟KT說, 我不敢跟朋友說, 因為我知道他們一定會把我罵得狗血淋頭。我實在太沒用, 一直很努力很努力去控制自己, 去離開你,可是每一次, every single time, 我都把自己帶回原點, 所有努力都白費。

天啊

我該怎麼做

我會默默的留下右手邊的座位......

2008-11-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

“我會默默的留下,右手邊的座位。”

放不下便放不下, 何必要強逼自己呢?
只要不要超越朋友的界線就可以了。
別人可能覺得我傻,覺得我蠢,覺得我沒用。可是, 我覺得如果我再自欺欺人的話, 那就更浪費時間。所以, 我決定了! 我等你。
別人叫我不要浪費時間,我的人生不只有她一個人,她只是一個過客。
如果有另一個人在我生命裡出現, 那就到時候才算吧!現在的話, 我不要再欺騙自己的感覺了。

05 gala dinner, 你說:“以後我們也要這樣, 一起去party, 然後一起牽著手回我們自己的家。”
我們會有將來嗎? 我們以前的大屋計劃可以實行嗎?還記得我們的tst家嗎?
你曾經說不如我們去結婚, 那時我說我們沒有將來, 這種不見得光的關係是不能長久, 將來我也不可能牽著你走到大家面前。以前的我, 好像想甚麼都比較現實, 連甜言蜜語都不講, 直接把冷水潑過去。
雖說分手後總會記住她的好,忘記她的壞, 而留戀。可是, 我很理智的想過, 或許, 是我以前的性格, 令她缺乏安全感, 才會變得那麼野蠻吧。究竟是“錯過了便不可再回頭”還是“離開是為了回來”?

昨天在library聞到一陣氣味, 既熟識, 又陌生那是你的氣味。

連續劇的劇情很土, 可是現實生活卻是如此。

“而我也會繼續地奔馳在這長長的街
左手邊是我的心右手邊沒有誰
為了你再寂寞我都可以成全
因為我相信說過了再見
一定會再見”

有感而發

2008-10-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

雖然我跟你並不是真的很熟,可是聽到你這樣被他欺負我感到很氣忿。可能是因為自己是那種很喜歡保護別人的人, 也因為我明白要珍惜眼前人有多重要, 我就是很想給那種自以為是的人一個教訓。
聽到你在哭, 心裡感到一陣難過; 但我沒有說甚麼因為我知道你不想我聽到你哭。記得上次你很感觸的說很感謝我的關心, 我真的覺得好可憐, 讓我很想關心你多一點; 可是很多時都沒有做, 是因為被動, 也因為我怕你誤會我有其他意思 - form 4 那時有個朋友的事讓我怕對朋友太好, 因為每個人都有一條底線, 那時我對朋友幾乎沒底線, 所以她打聽我是不是對她有意思時, 她的朋友都說我肯定是, 因為他們都認為一個人不會對普通朋友這樣好。還記得當時她很確定的說終有一天我會喜歡上她,她從來想要的都不會得不到 - 這樣的說話都說得出口簡直佩服! 看來真的很有自信, 但很抱歉, 從一開始到現在, 我一點都沒喜歡過。
今天還有前幾天都跟偉力談起一些關於喜歡人的事情, 所以自己都有在想。有些人談了超過十次戀愛, 說自己很多經驗, 卻不知道甚麼是愛, 以為我對你好你對我好, 那就在一起, 那就是愛, "我愛你"這三個字更是很輕易便對人說。我並不是說這些人有甚麼不對, 他們沒有不對, 我只是覺得"愛"這個東西實在太罕有, 有些人整天都在尋尋覓覓的找"愛",離離合合千萬次, 到了三十歲時還不知道愛究竟是甚麼。
喜歡的感覺很容易產生, 可是愛的產生卻需要時間, 經歷與付出, 不可能第一眼看到一個人便說"我愛他"。幾年前, 因朋友認識了黃倩怡, 成了好朋友。不知從那時開始我喜歡了她, 自己卻不知道, 只是不斷對她好, 想她開心, 她喜歡甚麼我都一定偷偷的成全她。記得她想去看一齣舞台劇, 我用accompanying賺的一些錢加儲起的零用錢去買票(那齣戲的票真的很貴, 一張票都要差不多HKD$300), 後來知道她喜歡那套劇的歌曲, 又上網不斷找, 最終在yahoo上bid了回來, 一個人跑到葵涌交收, 那個也蠻貴的。我自己都很驚訝我會為了她冒著被媽發現的危險用完自己的錢然後每天都省著省著用, 雖然很麻煩, 我卻感到很開心很幸福, 一點都沒覺得可憐, 那時真的很喜歡她吧。後來, 跟她在一起了, 發生了很多事, 開心的, 不開心的...先是那個時候爸媽開始準備要送我來美國唸書, 再來是她的媽媽癌症復發,到了危險期, 過了不久, 便過世了。她很堅強, 雖然傷心, 都沒有倒下來。我不能想像一個18歲女孩失去母親的感受, 我為她感到很難過。那時我每天晚上都偷偷跟她講電話, 陪著她睡覺, 我每天晚上都不敢睡, 因為怕她夜裡害怕時找不到我, 每天都不知道睡了多少, 早上還要在父母面前裝精神, 如是者過了一整個月。
就在這件事發生了不久, 她的爸爸就決定送她去澳洲讀書, 我記得那時我真的要崩潰了。因為這樣, 她變得很野蠻和有點霸道, 開始要求我把自己所有時間都全給她, 因而引起很多爭執。從那時起, 我跟她吵架比吃飯還多, 每一次我都會哭, 每次哭, 我的心都痛得像要裂開 - 從前以為心痛只是一個形容詞, 直到愛上她後, 每次看到她傷心, 都讓我的心很痛, 我親身感受到甚麼是痛不欲生, 比其他病痛更痛的一種痛。
到今天, 想起這些時, 我的心還是會隱隱作痛。愛情, 厲害吧。

夢想?

2008-10-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

開一個新blog
算是我的一個小小私人空間吧

去年我問媽要不要我暫時停學回香港
她叫我想都別想專心讀書就好
昨晚她說情況再不好轉的話我便要回港讀書工作

剛剛有了自己的人生目標
才剛剛踏上軌道
上天又玩弄我
我真的很怕要回去
我很怕所有事情打回原形

媽很想我最少在這裡完成bachelor所以說會撐著直到真的撐不住才回港
我告訴她說我現在有了明確的目標自己會努力在哪裡學都一樣
我知道她聽到後有感到安慰
但事實上, 我真的可以做到嗎?
有點難, 只是看我每次回港放假的表現就知道了
還有的...是面子吧....明明可以攀得更高,卻一下子跌回原點,要從頭慢慢爬上去
像我這樣的人,真的不知道怎樣重新起步

我真的很擔心
想了一整晚除了機會很微的student loan和scholarship之外還有甚麼可以解決這問題?
想不到...

這一次不能說智在必得可是一定要全力以赴
雖然很難雖然時間緊逼我都一定一定要做到
不可以再懶惰不可以再怨天尤人